Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
