You can't special order awesome
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
