I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
