please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
