I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
