My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
