My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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