You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
