So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
