I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
