I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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