He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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