My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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