yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
