Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
