If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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