it hurts more in the daytime
i will never coherently bang her
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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