I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
