everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
