Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They took my balls.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
