I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
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I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.