i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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