i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
