So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
