so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
