smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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