maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
