Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
