just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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