you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just want nice things and good sex
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
