It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
