Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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