I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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