I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
