You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
In other news, I just burned my penis
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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