By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
