i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
