whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
