dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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