Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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