Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
