The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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