trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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