I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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