I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
