went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
