Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
