Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
