My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
