I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
