How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
