you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
