Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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