Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
