i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
