and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
