I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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