You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
